God at an arms length

I got the above saying from a blog that I have listed as one of my favorties and when I read that line it all clicked.

I have been keeping him at an arms length. I want so bad to believe he is there and there is a reason to the madness I feel inside most days. But I just cant fully accept just yet that it was ok for my son to be taken from me while in the homestretch.

Iv had a few miscarriages and they are very emotionally draining without a question but losing Ethan was so much more powerful. Everything I thought I believed in I now question.

Now I have come to learn that he accepts me and understands the pain I and my family are in. Its ok to question his will and the paths in life we have been tossed on. I say tossed on because I would never in a million years have thought I would have to bury my own child.

Losing a parent hurts but its natural, Burying your child is un-natural.

I try to talk to God at night when I talk to my son. Yes I know how can I talk to Ethan but not God isnt it all one and the same. If I can talk to my son and believe in a Heaven then there must be a God right? Sometimes Im just not so sure. For some reason since I lost Ethan the words I want to say to God just seem so silly and not so important and I question if he is really listening to me.

Iv begged and pleded with him time and time again. All I want is to hold Ethan a little longer. I wanted to see his eyes and see into him and see what an amazing man he would grow to be. I never thought that would be to much to ask.

Losing Ethan has been very trying but the fact is we have also been trying for two years to bring a baby home to complete our family. And after two healthy boys we are unable to at this point for whatever reason it is what it is. Even since Ethans loss. We have experienced a chemical pregnany and then a miscarriage. Im sure Im able to have another baby but sometimes I question if this is a cruel way of telling us we are done.

My questioning to God is this .....
Why are all these babies being born to drug addicts, women how dont want kids and have abortions? Why is it so hard for the women who really want these babies? What is the point? Why Ethan? And why so late into the pregnancy?

Im sure someday I will get these answers but until then Im really hoping God will forgive me in my times of weakness. Im really trying to lean on him but it is hard.