Blakes first day of school

Where the heck does the time go. We now have a kindergardner. First day of school was a blast he was really excited. Second day he insisted on riding the bus and lets just say that it didnt go well. He got right back off the bus in tears and I drove him to school instead. He wanted to ride the bus for so long and was so anxious, but I think the fear of being away set in. So we will try again later.

So far so good though he loves going and already pulls the normal kid stuff when you ask him what he did for the day we get the famous answer "I dont remember".

Here are a few pictures of his first day Aug 19th, 2008

Blake and Aiden in the same outfit as babys

Aiden


Blake

Ethans rose bushes

They are in full bloom now and I love watching them grow to be reminded of him.

Ethans rose bushes



They are in full bloom and I love looking at them. Its nice to be able to watch them grow since I cant watch him.

My Birthday present

Guy decided I needed a toy since I dont have one. So he got me a jet ski brand new. I love it and cant wait to take a ride on it.

Our deck

We spent 6 weeks adding on a deck but Guy did a lot of the work but I did help many late nights. Its nice to sit out on it and just hang out.

Here it is

The fourth of July was uneventful this year and slightly relaxing. We just hung out as a family no where to really be and no rush this year. We just went and watched fireworks this year the four of us.

The boys got these light up toys while we were there and they played with them all night.

Making cakes

I do enjoy baking and dont do it enough and Iv loved making my sons birthday cakes and my sisters shower cake. Iv been asked a few times by some of my daycare kids parents to make ones for their kids parties so I gave it a shot. The first one was a skateboard which I didnt get a picture of and the second a tonka truck themed one. It came out a lot better than I expected so we will see what happens but I posted an add on craigslist to see what comes of it. I have someone already asking me to meet with them so they can give me a drawing of what they are looking for.

Here is the picture of the tonka truck themed one

Our big news

On June 30th we started getting faint positives and then on July 1st we got a positive off of a digital pregnancy test. There it was "pregnant" no questions to be asked and now the anxiety will set in.

I had my blood drawn three times anything over 5 is a good number and mine was 14 and then after that it has to double every two days so the next time it was 48, so it more than doubled. I had my blood redrawn again and I'm waiting on the results of that test.



As it stands now we will just take it day by day. I will be considered high risk this time though so that will include a few more tests and more ultrasounds. I will get steroid shots for the baby's lungs around 32-33 week. And then I will have an amniocentesis at 35 weeks to make sure the baby's lung are developed. If all is well I will be delivered then but no later than about 36 weeks. So our official due date is 3/13/09 but this baby should be here no later than the week of 2/16/09.

Some wonderful women

I met up with a few girls from silentgrief.com they both have had stillbirths as well. We had a nice dinner and chatted for 3 hours two of which was after we were done eating and I'm sure with all the looks the manager and staff was giving us they wanted us to leave so they could have their table back.

We had nice conversations about our angel's and I even shed a few tears but it was really nice. I just wanted to share my wonderful experience meeting other moms walking in the same shoes. Its nice to be able to meet the women you chat with daily about all the trials, emotions, fears etc.. that you go through when you lose a child. One of them even lives so close by we can meet up often.

Thank you Susan and Kathy so much for the great experience.

Some of you have heard about our newest addition Rosie and I thought Id take the time to introduce her. We got a puppy in February she was born in Janurary 2008 and she is a weimaraner full bred and beautiful but do not let her looks decieve you.

She is a crazy dog her favortie pastimes include tearing up toliet paper, eating everything in site, and she is the biggest stuffed animal theif you will ever meet.

The backyard has become her domain and any toy left unattended is claimed by her and even if your there she will take it.

She loves water we tried the water bottle for discipline and its a joke. Aiden and Blake even threw her in the bathtub twice she we have had her and its no big deal to her.

She hate me lol at least I think sometimes. She loves when Im all alone with her to sit and bark at me and think Im going to wrestle her lol.

She like biting the boys on the butt when they walk by. Somedays I never thought she would be such a handful and now I know a newborn is a lot easier trust me.

Here she is

Summer months

Okay here comes the fun no more locked up in the house and the kids crazy. Okay just kidding its been nice for awhile. But now its summer and it never fails we wil lbe very busy.


Guy is busy as can be with work its a/c season so he will be working alot of hours as of today he has already put in 43 hours and he still has a day left.


Blake and Aiden are in T-Ball so our saturdays are pretty booked. Their first game was last saturday.


Blake did great despite some virus that he has which caused soem canker sores all over in his throat. But he hit the ball well and even did good in outfield. He pratices for an hour every tuesday night.

Aiden was a champ I didnt think he would even get it but this kid figured out easily how to run the bases and hit the ball. Of course taking his turn at batting was the most fun for him. The only bad part is that its so hot and some of their games will be during the hottest times of the day.

Now that summer is here we will be busy most of the time and the boys love camping so Im sure we will try to sneak away for a few days here and there to soak up some sun.

God at an arms length

I got the above saying from a blog that I have listed as one of my favorties and when I read that line it all clicked.

I have been keeping him at an arms length. I want so bad to believe he is there and there is a reason to the madness I feel inside most days. But I just cant fully accept just yet that it was ok for my son to be taken from me while in the homestretch.

Iv had a few miscarriages and they are very emotionally draining without a question but losing Ethan was so much more powerful. Everything I thought I believed in I now question.

Now I have come to learn that he accepts me and understands the pain I and my family are in. Its ok to question his will and the paths in life we have been tossed on. I say tossed on because I would never in a million years have thought I would have to bury my own child.

Losing a parent hurts but its natural, Burying your child is un-natural.

I try to talk to God at night when I talk to my son. Yes I know how can I talk to Ethan but not God isnt it all one and the same. If I can talk to my son and believe in a Heaven then there must be a God right? Sometimes Im just not so sure. For some reason since I lost Ethan the words I want to say to God just seem so silly and not so important and I question if he is really listening to me.

Iv begged and pleded with him time and time again. All I want is to hold Ethan a little longer. I wanted to see his eyes and see into him and see what an amazing man he would grow to be. I never thought that would be to much to ask.

Losing Ethan has been very trying but the fact is we have also been trying for two years to bring a baby home to complete our family. And after two healthy boys we are unable to at this point for whatever reason it is what it is. Even since Ethans loss. We have experienced a chemical pregnany and then a miscarriage. Im sure Im able to have another baby but sometimes I question if this is a cruel way of telling us we are done.

My questioning to God is this .....
Why are all these babies being born to drug addicts, women how dont want kids and have abortions? Why is it so hard for the women who really want these babies? What is the point? Why Ethan? And why so late into the pregnancy?

Im sure someday I will get these answers but until then Im really hoping God will forgive me in my times of weakness. Im really trying to lean on him but it is hard.

All about me

Lets see where do I begin? I graduated in 2000 from Westminster and I didnt do the normal go to college type of thing. Kids were always my calling so I decided I would try out being a nanny. I found a great family with six week old boy/girl twins. I worked there until the twins were two. It was tons of fun and a better enviroment than working in daycares as I had done previously.
I found out in May of 2002 that I was pregnant. We were having a boy as I later found out.My first born son Blake Anthony was born on January 8, 2003 at 12:41pm weighing 7lbs8oz and 21 inches long. I was prepared for the life I always knew was my calling to be a mommy. And while times proved challanging at times it was a rollercoaster of fun.
Then Guy and I decided to get married on May 29th 2004. Our wedding wasnt a huge big deal but it turned out very nice and we even did most of it ourselves.
We decided before we got married that we would try for baby #2 after we were married and our second boy was concieved on our honeymoon.
Aiden Paul was born on February 8th, 2005 at 2:31pm weighing 8lbs 4.2oz and 22 inches long. He was an easy baby compared to Blake.
Then in August of 2005 we bought our first home in Northglenn Colorado. Its a 2000 sq ft home with 4 bdrms and 2 bathrooms. It was in rough shape when we bought it but we have improved it ourselves and its ours. We couldnt be happier to have that achievement.
After me moved into our new home I decided to start my business and run a in home daycare and it has proven to be a big success as well as a challange at times. But I can stay home with my kids and watch them grow which is important to us as well as contribute to my family and have the home and other things we have.
In August of 2006 we decided to try for our final addition to the family and sadly on September 26th, 2006 I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks.
We decided after that to wait it out it was emotionally hard on me to try for awhile.
Then in June of 2007 we gave it another shot and on July 9th that we were expecting again. In August I found out that my little sister was due just a few days behind me.I had the text book perfect pregnancy no real complaints other than heartburn that was so bad it made me sick until I got on the right medication for it. In October my sister and I did an ultrasound together and found out there would be more boys all the way around.Our family is all boys at this point. Things were great we spent many hours remodeling part of our house for the new baby. The room looks great in fact better than the rest of the house.

On February 12th I realized I hadnt felt little Ethan move so I put in a call to the doctors and went in. They couldnt find his heartbeat and after 3 ultrasound we got the news that tossed our world upside down. Our son had died. I was 34 weeks 2 days pregnant.I went in on the 12th to be induced and Our little Angel was born into this world sleeping into the arms of God. It was the easiest labor I had ever had. And he was a perfect 5lbs 3oz and roughly about 18 inches long, with a head of dark heair unlike the other boys who were bald. I now believe heartburn means hair as I had never in my life had heartburn before. We put our son to rest on February 18th, 2008. We dont understand and Im sure we never really will as far as why our child was taken from us. But someday I will be able to stand at Gods feet and hold my beautiful son and ask God what Ethans purpose really was.
At almost 27 years old I can say I'm happy with the life I have. I married a wonderful husband who is my best friend, and I have three beautiful boys although Ethan is not here he has helped mold me into the woman I am as well as my other two boys.